I'm not big on nervous breakdowns. I grumble constantly and drink too much, but I usually don't have climactic moments that involve me sobbing uncontrollably, moving into a van down by the river, or climbing a clock tower with a hunting rifle. I did none of these things the other night, either, but I was closer than usual.
Here's what B and I figured out: what I'm scared of is not failure. Failure, in my studies, my research, my program, whatever, would actually represent a net stress REDUCTION. What I'm scared of is the fact that to succeed at what I'm trying to do, which is research and write the fastest decent-quality history dissertation in the history of (academic) history, I must maintain the same level of laser-focus that I've been trying to keep up for four years already. This means that I must keep pushing as hard as I possibly can, to find the sources, to talk to the people, to read everything and write about it. The fact that I do intellectual history makes this possible; if I was doing a real archive-slog social history, it would be inconceivable. But the problem is that the pitch of stress I'm under is concomitant with the pitch of focus I need to maintain.
The funny manifestation of all of this right now is that I'm not one iota worried about my QE on Monday. I want to do a good job on it, I want to have a productive conversation with my committee, but the QE isn't even on my radar in terms of things I need to think/worry about in earnest. As K and I were saying to each other earlier (she's in the same boat), your QE isn't like reaching the summit of the mountain, it's like reaching the base camp. From there, you'd better hope you have some rad sherpas.
Super freak. The kind you don't take home to mother.
5.07.2008
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12 comments:
Your sherpas are badasses. Just wait till you meet them.
Kungfuramone,
It is another kind of nerd's sister here. I have to admit that I have enjoyed your blog for many moons now anonymously. I feel your stress, I live in it every day, and I have to say, eventually it fits like a pair of jeans on the second day out of the wash...comfortable. Embrace it. It means that life isn't boring. You are going to love Paris and it will all work out.*
---The Bandit
*I have had 4 Vodka tonics so there is a chance I might be full of shit!
Nah, I find that delicious cocktails make one MORE truthful and with an even GREATER sense of perspicacity! :]
In case I didn't make it obvious in my e-mail wishing you good luck, that was a sentiment I wish to extend indefinitely.
Im not even IN school and I wish for a badass team of sherpas (or even just ONE badass sherpa) almost daily.
You'll do fine on the QE and exhibit the wisdom and intellectual precision of a true Hyrkanian thief and archer.
Oh friend, hang in there. I feel your pain. You'll rock the QE no doubt. But you are correct in noting that the road beyond can feel uphill, snowcovered and like your navigating it on a unicycle. I've felt that way since prelims. I feel like my fuel is gone and I've been running on fumes with the e-light on for way too many miles. And yet all the dissertation stuff (like you said) requires an insane ability to focus, while you're brain is simultaneously (or mine at least) on strike. One of my committee members reminded me the other day that the diss. is a marathon. It's too bad they don't make little intellectual energy drinks like marathon runners have--those little squeezy drinks they throw back while running to stay hydrated.
"Laser-focus" - I like that. That's the way to describe the sort of concentration necessary to get that brass ring. And SuperJew is right too - laser-focus over the course of a marathon. It can be really tiresome though to maintain. I have trouble turning my brain off at the end of the day (I probably don't drink enough).
My best to you and the stimulating conversations you will have on Monday!
So, when is the prospectus defense?
The prospectus defense is done at the same time here - small mercies. We do everything at once, and then poof! Thou art a Ph.D. Candidate!
You're going to do fine. Make sure you take off a day now and then and do nothing academic. I know it sounds counterproductive, but it will help your focus. You can only keep up that pace for so long before your health starts to suffer. Plus, it's pretty amazing what your subconscious can do when you let stuff just percolate.
I think we already know our unwitting but totally rad sherpas: B and L.
If I didn't have him, who would eat the other half of cookies the back of cookies I bake obsessively when under stress ? :)
GOOD LUCK! I get what you're saying, though: being scared of success. What you've got to do, friend, is try and start out way, way more mediocre than you have been. That way, the escalation is twice as impressive, with half the effort.
Recognization!
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