Have you ever watched the Discovery Channel Everest show? It's a really nicely done documentary / reality kind of thing about one of the best-equipped professional guide services that helps would-be mountaineers make it to the top of Everest in one piece. It's like Deadliest Catch in terms of the vicarious fun involved in watching people risking life and limb while you're sitting at home on the loveseat drinking 2-buck Chuck. The thing you really get from watching Everest is how stupid and futile the thing really is; 40,000+ dollars and the very real possibility of dying, along with weeks of intense suffering, all in hopes of having five minutes at the top of a big mountain.
That said, you can also see why people do it. In almost every case, the men and women who sign up feel driven to do it; they told themselves they'd push as hard as they can to make it and they don't want to back down. For me, at least, I feel a mix of admiration and bewilderment watching them sacrifice so much just to prove a point.
Then there's me. My housing thing in Paris fell through. The French visa process is the most insane tangle of red tape I've ever seen. What little money we have in the bank is going to get gobbled up very quickly unless I get one of the grants I applied to. My French sucks. I'm scared, sick of worrying, tired, and pissed off. But I will be damned if I don't make this thing happen. I will not back down until I get a fucking PHD. I may well walk away from this in a year or two flying a big fat middle-finger salute at academia and never returning, but not until I've got a bright and shiny stamped-and-approved doctorate with my name on it. I do love what I study, I do prefer this lifestyle to the alternatives, and I do believe in the utility of history as a discipline, but what I'm really doing is proving a point.
5.30.2008
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5 comments:
Huzzah! I could not agree more on every thing in the last paragraph (my thing is tuition, not housing, but hey - they cost about the same). I think the only way to get that degree is by sheer tenacity.
If I may, the French will work. When I was trying to learn it, I worked in 'stair steps.' I would coast along feeling like the language was really working for me then bam! Hit a wall and I couldn't even say "hi, I suck at this" (Je m'en fou!) My point is that when you're at the bottom, you can only go up!
Bon courage!
That's exactly the attitude you need: Defiance to the Last! I have very little joy presently in my life, so I simply function out of spite and the simple joy of giving the finger to the world. However, I do this with the knowledge that the only absolute truth in life is that all situations change and transform themselves over time. The only thing of true value I have learned during life's difficult odyssey is some good times will eventually arise from the wreckage of the bad. You'll be fine, but it won't necessarily be easy or pleasant. That which does not kill,...
I'm sorry the view from where you are right now continues to be unendingly and increasingly uphill. Luckily though, you're Christopher Brooks, and nothing can withstand the unleashed might and dedication that is Senor Brooks. I have complete faith that you can do this. Sorry it sucks in the meantime.
Go Team!
I second and third that last part and the comments in response. I think the single unifying factor in the people who do walk away with PhDs and middle-fingers flying is the point-proving desire. You will do it. Good luck with the housing/France jumble.
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