But I did some thinking, then last night B and I had a productive chat about the situation. Here's what it comes down to, I think: it takes a tremendous, tremendous foundation of self-confidence to pull this PHD thing off. You have to believe in your own ability to do a huge amount of work without the slightest bit of encouragement or guidance. You're nominally a member of an academic community, but you're reminded every day that what you really are is an intellectual proletarian, grading the papers the profs don't want to bother with and hanging around at the edges of your field. You have to be both brave enough to submit work that might get torn to shreds (again, after having no one to warn you about its problems) and smart enough to pull it off.
Until last night, I don't think I really had the self-confidence to do it. Now, I still don't have the self-confidence to do it, but I'm fully cognizant that I have to anyway. And in that, there's a kind of relief.
So here's the plan:
- Use my newly-discoverd copy of Les écrits de Simone de Beauvoir to fill in the gaps on my highly-predictable MA thesis. Write said fucker over the next couple of months.
- Use the extensive bibliography of Tony Judt's Postwar to generate a QE reading list. Read books on said fucker over the next nine months.
- Identify intellectual leftist to write a dissertation about. Maybe André Gorz....
- Write stuff up for QEs. Take said fuckers.
That's as far as I've gotten. Somewhere in there I need to apply to the UC Paris program to be a TA and figure out other grants to apply for. Also, I must remember not to lose my mind. That is all.
5 comments:
have you looked at being an English assistant in France? I'm pretty sure there's a program similar to what I did in Austria there. It could be useful in that the local Fulbright commissions aren't the same as the main Fulbright, so you can apply for both. Which is nice. :) It's not as good as the full Fulbright, but it's a possible backup plan considering how tough getting money is.
Oh, and somewhere in there take your wife on a date...and give your bunny an extra carrot...
I have sympathy for your plight. Try to remember to find some enjoyment while you are doing this. It is very hard, but just keep moving forward and don't let future concerns consume you. Evaluate the situations as they arise, make a decision, then bend the world to your will as best you can. Don't waste time with excessive worry about the future as Orcus may rise from the depths to carry you off to the underworld at any time.
I want to second Trust in Steel (in fact, I think his point was similar to the one that I made in my last blog post).
You have an incredible amount of patience with all this. And finally, kudos to you for making a strategic plan. You can finish without making one, but I think it takes longer.
Wow. Well, look on the bright side, it could be worse. You could have to learn Chinese first.
Hey though... what about going to Lyon or Toulouse instead? COLA is lower and the people are friendlier, and you can always just go to Paris when needed via train.........
As for jobs in France, I've heard the unemployment rate is still fairly high, so your best bet might be trying to find a job teaching English somewhere. Seriously.
Post a Comment