Green Goo Drips Out of My Brain

Here's the text of my fake letter of recommendation I wrote for myself for our grant-writing workshop:

Dear Selection Committee,

This letter is on behalf of kungfuramone. I have been KFR's academic advisor for two years at UC Susanville. In that time, he has consistently exceeded my expectations and that of my colleagues in terms of self-discipline, depth of reading, and writing ability. His strength, dexterity, constitution, wisdom, intelligence, and charisma are all simply outstanding. I hope to convince you that he is deserving of the Andre the Giant research grant.

While I believe every aspect of KFR's scholarship is far beyond that of the average graduate student in European history, there are two areas in which he is particularly noteworthy. First, KFR is able to process a very large amount of information extremely quickly, while still achieving a breathtaking rate of comprehension, both in English and in French. This is to say that he can read through a stack of books or several boxes of original document in a fraction of the time it would take most graduate students (and many professional historians!) and remember almost every nuance therein. Second, KFR writes beautiful, straightforward prose, nigh-crystalline in its transparency and effervescent loveliness. Not only have his essays been published in prestigious journals, including Intellectual History Tri-Annual Newsletter and Journal of the History of Considerations of Ideas, but he was recently appointed editor-in-chief of the UCSV graduate journal, Sluggish.

KFR has already demonstrated a proficiency in historical research far beyond the twelve years he has spent as a graduate student would indicate. He has conducted extensive archival research throughout France, Belgium, the UK, and Oregon. He is never content to rely on the secondary scholarship in his field, seeking out primary documents to fact-check his own hypotheses and to contradict and undermine those of others. Indeed, he brings a critical, but sympathetic attitude to bear on the entire field of modern European intellectual history, probing for points of weakness in his colleagues' work and launching all-out assaults, armed with mountains of empirical data, when he deems it appropriate or necessary.

KFR's research is of tremendous importance for the field of intellectual history as a whole. He is in the process of writing what I believe will be the definitive work on arrogance as the predominant character trait of philosophers in the last two hundred years. According to his findings thus far, too many scholars simply assume that philosophers were “naturally” arrogant. Instead, KFR insists that arrogance among philosophers was and is caused by both the effects of the German language on the Limbic System and dust build-up in the sinuses. If he is able to secure adequate funding for further research, his work may well redefine how we think about the history of self-important thinkers.

Thus, I feel KFR is an excellent candidate for the fellowship in question. Simply put, he would use it efficiently to enable his research and, in turn, enlighten his entire field with his findings. I hope that the rest of his application will further indicate his eligibility for the Andre the Giant research grant.

In Solidarity,

Professor I.G. Readmore