A brief psychological profile, following a typical chat/bitch-session with K:
The grad in humanities is fundamentally schizophrenic. He or she knows better than anyone else how little he or she actually knows about the literature, the languages, the theories, everything else. He or she knows, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he or she is a hack. Likewise, there is always the ambient terror of being found out; what if, at a conference or something, a venerable powerhouse in the field asks that dreaded question that reveals what a complete phony he or she really is?!* Ignominy, shame, degradation, and finally the sweet, sweet release of death.
On the other hand, the humanities grad is a self-important egotist. That's RIGHT! I got a 710/680/6-out-of-6 on my GRE! That's RIGHT! I'm a motherfucking PHD student! That's RIGHT! I (kind of) know a whole other LANGUAGE! I was praised for my "work" by a knowledgeable professor! I have been told by those-in-the-know that my research is PROMISING! I have beat the odds, I have been accepted to full-on graduate programs at full-on accredited research universities. I get money for reading books, bitches, and I plan on keeping that pattern going until I'm dead.
I think it's the tension between those two identities, and the fact that they're both completely heartfelt, that makes this such a weird business to be in. It's confusing to be equal parts fraud and self-proclaimed genius, and it's even harder to have any realistic perspective on it when most of the people you spend your time with are just like you.
* "Could you please write that in Chinese for us?" "But what about the findings of the following major authors you've never even heard of?" "But hasn't that already been argued by so-and-so?" To say nothing of the dreaded "So what?"
2.22.2008
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7 comments:
Whoa dude those are some grand gre scores. Why didn't get into a better school like Cal or ucla?
I couldn't have said it better myself.
By the way, being in the field of Chinese history you actually do have people who challenge you at conferences to remember and be able to produce every stroke of every Chinese character on the board, should you be asked. That really is just how anal they are in this field.
'cuz I didn't apply there. And GREs aren't everything...Berkeley laughed my application right out the door.
Oh, and I should add: I have been really, really well-served by the UC to the SC. I have a pretty big chip on my shoulder about the first-tier / second-tier distinction, and if by some miracle I actually make it in this business, I plan on launching irritating little crusades about it as often as possible.
sounds like art schoool.
sounds like me, but with an important exception: my GRE scores were nowhere near that good, and usually if someone calls me on something and tries to uncover the fact that I am a fraud, I can talk my way out of it. Personally, I think that too many graduate students (and professors) just place too much emphasis on actual knowledge, while ignoring the importance of bullshitting. I have no such malady.
I share with you the chipped shoulder. And I'll be there in the trenches pushing back against the pedigreed (reading company aside) - that is, after I get tenure....
As to the questions: "I insist you offer the translation; your Chinese is lovely to hear." "What aspect of [other major scholar's work] do you believe relates to this topic?" And "haven't you been listening?" The goat has a point; it's all in the presentation.
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