"I'm the same as I was when I was 6 years old..."
I relate to that song. Despite my deepending awarness of getting older, or maybe because of it, I can't believe how little I've changed. I remember things I did and said at various points in my life and I'm completely certain that I'd do them all the same way now if I didn't know better. There was one nasty twist around the start of adolescence, 11-14 or so, where I picked up the cynicism and the pessimism, but besides that it's been exactly the same bunch of naiveté the whole time.
What I find confusing is that it seems like other people actually, you know, mature. They make better decisions and find ways to make their peace wth life (sorry, sounds pretentious), or at least put on a better show than I do. Maybe it's just that the memories I have of how I felt at various times coincide exactly with how I continue to feel in similar situations. The anger and powerlessness of insomnia, the utter, dizzying terror at doing everything I have to do to finish my degree, the silly elation of an afternoon in which I get to sit around play video games, they're all exactly the same as their equivalents when I was 6 / 12 / 18/ 24 years old... It also has a lot to do with how much I miss people. I can remember too clearly the variations on camraderie and affection with different friends and groups of friends in the past, and likewise, I can feel their absence.
Ironically, I'm not feeling particularly emo today, just kind of pensive. That and I wish I didn't have to take the bus after class today. Maybe I'll just roll down the hill into town.
11.14.2007
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6 comments:
I sometimes stumble across old things I have written and when I re-read them I think...I didn't write that - I'm only 12!
I recently read through some old high school notes. Hi-larious. So much drama and subterfuge. Everyone had an alter ego/stage name. funny stuff.
someone recently asked me my age, and I had to think about it, and when I said it, it felt like the number belonged to someone else. Most odd. I don't know if i'm more mature, but I've gotten slightly less stupid than I was in high school. :)
"Slightly less stupid" is about what most of us can really shoot for, I suppose...
I don't know whether I'm changing fundamentally, or just learning new techniques, rules of thumb, and filters. I think I'm learning, though it seems like I'm not doing so as fast as I'm aging.
I just found myself wondering whether that sense of being the same person is the root of or is related to the fact that I still feel such strong emotion when I'm reminded of silly or stupid things I said or did twenty or thirty years ago.
In certain ways, all who feel such a close connection to their youth may be lucky. I can't say for sure, but it seems to me that a lot of people have lost that connection and with it some excitement and vitality in life.
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